If This Was A Story

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By Venessa Wong,

If this was a story.

If this was a story,
You turning behind to talk to me in the bus would have meant that you thought I was witty or interesting. But no… it is more likely because of the girl sitting next to me.

If this was a story,
I would not have to decide between spending time with my friends or with your group. We would have been able to talk freely without me feeling like I had ditched my friends.

If this was a story,
You would have talked to me even after when we were first introduced at camp. You wouldn’t have been friendly only during then but smile and say goofy things to me even now. Your eyes would at least acknowledge me.

And if this was a story,
You would notice me watching you discreetly. You would then maybe smile. Then I could finally smile at you without worrying that I seem like some crazy girl randomly smiling at you.

If this was a story.

If this was a story,
You would have started talking to me before you knew that you were going to move. We would have fallen for each other even before then.

If this was a story,
We would have ended with a promise. Not this uncertainty that we are.

If this was a story,
You wouldn’t have so quickly gotten a girlfriend after you left – a title even I never received despite knowing you longer than she had.

And if this was a story,
My heart would have bled at your betrayal.

If this was a story.

If this was a story,
I wouldn’t be just watching you, hoping for you to see me. I would have the courage to pursue you. I just know that we would be something.

If this was a story,
I wouldn’t be doubting my feelings so strongly. Is it me that you are really looking at? Or is this some fantasy to satisfy my longing?

If this was a story,
‘Something’ would have occurred between us. I wouldn’t be giving up on you even before getting to know you. You would have given me a chance.

If this was a story,
You wouldn’t be suddenly appearing wherever I look now when I once had to search for even a glimpse of you.

And if this was a story,
I wouldn’t need to crush on another guy just to get over you.

If this was a story.

If we were a story,
I wouldn’t know where to start on what had gone wrong. The words would have flown easily, not in disjointed thoughts and sentences. I would have known what my heart was trying to tell me.

If we were a story,
I would have confronted you then on issues that upset me, not, only realising it now, the underlining truths behind my decision.

If we were a story,
I would have been able to tell you everything and settle things once and for all. Instead of having my heart clench and hurt at an unfinished message.

But we are not a story,
And I may never find the words and say everything that I need to.

For we do not live in those romance ‘fairy-tales’.

This is written and dedicated to my friends who had dreamt along with me. To the respective guys in each situation, you should have known and now you do. And to me, well you are an idiot aren’t you? But we are not in a story, so we move forward anyway, treating each experience as an important memory.

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